Here's what children learn from abusive and controlling fathering:
- Children learn that it's acceptable to use violence to deal with disagreements, and that it's okay to hit someone if they don't agree with what that person is saying or doing.
- Children learn that hitting is a good way to make someone stop doing something they don't like, or to make someone do something s/he doesn't want to do.
- Children learn that others have the control - especially bigger stronger others. They do not learn that they can make decisions themselves, that they are capable of doing so.
- Children learn that love and violence go together. This sets the stage to accept violence in other relationships.
- Children learn that when someone is under stress, tense or angry, violence is an acceptable way to cope.
- Children learn that they deserve to be hit if they have done something that the other person disapproves of.
- Children learn to deal with other authority figures, like teachers, in unhealthy ways.
- Children learn not to get caught.
- Children learn to avoid the person who has abused them, and they lose trust in that person. They learn that this person is not safe and cannot be relied upon to help them.